Back on Weight Watchers... *sigh*

God - it's like this roundabout I cant get off. I'm so uncomfortable. My pants are so tight and I'm tired of sweating between my rolls. I just wanna be comfortable in summer dammit!

So.... back to counting POINTS. Again. *groan*

I'm trying to write down my points, but maybe if I blog them...?

So here's the running tally for today:

Breakfast (weetbix + honey) 4
Goulbourne Valley (GV) Fruit Snack 1
Coffee 1
Apple 1
Salad roll + swiss cheese 4
Snack Right biscuit 1.5
Total so far = 11.5 / 18

It's so hard to avoid temptation. I realised last night, that if someone "offers" me food, I say yes. Completely without thought. Like reflex. Why is that?

My psychologist - lets call him Dr Tony - gave me a big sign that says "Psychologist Says NO (thankyou)" to hold infront of my face if anyone asks me to take on something new in the next few months. Isn't that awesome??? Because I have trouble saying 'no' to things, and thus end up totally stressed and over-committed; this gives me an excuse.

Maybe I cant say no to offered food for the same reason???

Such is my desperation.

I'm doing something I said I wouldn't do. I'm having meal-replacement shakes.

Yes - I know. You'd normally find me up on my soap-box waxing-lyrical that "they're not a long-term solution" and "they dont change your lifestyle or encourage better choices" etc etc. I hear you. But at the moment, I'm clutching at straws. My pants are tight, my wedding is nigh, and I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life.

I'm in serious 'damage control' mode.

Basically I wanted to eliminate the thinking for a little while. I dont want to count calories/carbs/points/fat grams. I'm suffereing diet burn-out, but I need to lose weight before it gets seriously outta control.

So the plan is simple. Very very simple.

shake for breaky, shake for lunch, fruit/veg only in between, and lots of water.

My very long-suffering and infinitely-understanding fiance has not scoffed at my little sachets of chemicals once (to his immense credit), and has once again said "ok, so i just cook you exactly what I'd cook us normally, I just put carbs in mine not yours, right?"

Thank god for Ben. Each time I have cried over my weight, or had a binge, or presented him with some new eating plan; he never laughs or judges. He simply nods understandingly and says "What can't I cook you now?" or "Ok, great. So what recipes are out there for meals involving just egg whites and grapefruit?"

You're a star, Benj!

Ok... not thinking about weight loss or food or counting or fat. Just drinking my shakes and sticking to the deal.

Weight-loss "No Man's Land"

Hello (hellohellohello)

Is any one out there? (outthere?outthere?outthere?)

I think I've found the diet-void! (oid!oid!oid!)

I am in a rut. I've entered Rutsville - Population: Me.

It's Rut-tastic.

I'm Rut-alicious.

Go directly to rut: Do not pass go, do not collect 200 calories.

Here's the thing, it's like when you're about to do your HSC at the end of high school, and you know you should be studying, but your brain is just burnt-out and in automatic-pilot mode. Like when you just stare at the books, and nothing happens.

That's me.

I KNOW the wedding is 4 months away. I KNOW I should be dieting. I KNOW I have infact PUT ON weight. And my mind just shuts down.

Diets dont work. Exercise hasn't worked. I don't know how to just "be healthy and normal". So my brain has just stepped out. I see all these dieting/foodplan/exercise plan options, and I just think: "Which one should I pick, when I know I'm just going to hate doing it and not lose weight anyway?"

I think I may be.... giving up. That's a scary prospect. Cause if I give up; that means I'm gonna be "the big girl" forever. No "hooray, hooray success" stories. A fat girl wedding dress. No walking into my 10 year high school reunion and watching the jaws drop. No wonderful day where I sweep in to the room in a size 10 dress and 'stick-it' to all the superficial men that rejected me 'cause I was too fat.

Feeling like this forever. Because I know what i should be doing, and I just cant do it. I mean i KNOW I should eat 1400 calories a day and exercise for 30 mins everyday and eat 30g of cereal and a banana for breakfast, chicken and salad for lunch, and 100g of lean meat with salad for dinner and drink at least 2L of water a day and limit caffeine and sugar, and cut out soft drink and processed and refined foods....

I KNOW ALL THAT.

But when I do do it, life sucks, and it doesn't work anyway.

So now what?

Just a regular Pretzelly Saturday.

I am such a hopeless slave to consumer-driven society. Today whilst watching a tv show (okay: It was a kids cartoon. Shut up.) they showed the characters going to a fair-ground and eating those big large soft pretzels.

Instantly, I was on the net looking for recipes. The only place you can get those big pretzels that I've found is a mere 3 hour drive from my house in Coastal/rural Australia. I LOVE the cinnamon sugar one sooo much. And the vanilla almond ones. And...

So anyway. I am now waiting impatiently for my yeast to rise so I can cook them. I even went out to buy yeast and baking powder, so dedicated was I to my baking idea.

I should go for a walk or run, but I have a terrible head cold... (excuses, excuses), so am drinking coffee and eating 3 tim tams instead. *sigh*. One week til the City to Surf.

Today whilst buying my yeast, I ran into another rubenesque goddess who I haven't seen for a while. She also recently got married, so I confessed my fears about going to buy "The Dress". It was so good to talk to someone who gets it. She had the same problems apparently, and told me she once walked into a local lingerie shop, only to be looked up and down by the sales clerk and told "We have nothing in your size".

!!!

The girl is maybe a size 22! And thank goodness she is no push-over, so she gave this woman the biggest serving she's probably ever had. YAY! - Go girl!

She ended up trying on dress after dress and leaving stores in tears, which is exactly what I envision happening to me. Her advice - go to the bigger stores in the city where they have more range, or get something made for you. And definitly DON'T settle for second best. Ever.

Don't you love her?

btw - she looked absolutely STUNNING on her wedding day, in a dress inspired by the Queen of Hearts! It was white and red, and definitely made the most of her 'assets'. VIVA Michelle!

Self-helpless

No way, Jose!

Now, I dont want you to get too excited, but I'm embarking on a little bit of self-improvment at the moment... I dont know where it's come from, but I'm on a roll, so I'm sticking to it.

I have started keeping a food diary (as recommended by Aj Rochester, author of the book "Confessions of a Reformed Dieter" - BRILLIANT book. If you haven't read it - DO IT NOW!) and I've been really putting some effort in with my exercise. I've been doing at least 30 minutes of exercise every day: Either walking the dogs, running, going to the gym, or riding my bike. I've also started riding my bike or walking to work instead of driving, although this week we've had a week of solid rain, so I've had to drive - otherwise I'd have to swim to work!

I really need to lose some kgs. Really. I'm 175cm, and 90kg. I think it was actually seeing that figure - 90 - on the scales that freaked me out and pushed me into doing something about my health. Also, recently I have noticed my fitness slide in the wrong direction. I am using my asthma inhaler more frequently, and I've been feeling pain in my chest when i do power-walking at school with my sport-group. NOT GOOD.

So. Time for action. I need to get my ass off the couch and moving, before this downhill slide becomes an avalanche!

My first goal - 85kg.

HEAR THAT CYBER-WORLD??? HEAR THAT EVERYONE! I - Anjel - hereby promise to hit 85kg before the christmas holidays!

I am following the plan in AJ's book, keeping the food diary, and there's another thing...

Next year, my school wants to send a team to run the City to Surf. I plan to be on that excursion running those 14K's with those kids.

...oh god - what am I saying??? 14 Kilometres???? I cant even run 100 metres! It seems completely insane, and completely impossible... but hell. That's the kinda woman I am.

BRING IT ON.


This'll be me next year. NOT.

Confessions of a yo-yo dieter.

So in my quest to become a svelte equestrienne (yeah right) and not look like this



I have embarked on many (some quite ridiculous) diets. Here's a few:

1) The all-soup diet (you spend all day pee-ing, and by about day 4, you NEVER want to see a bowl of soup again)
2) Weight watchers (Got tired of spending my life walking around with a calculator round my neck)
3) Atkins (constipated. Didn't lose a thing.)
4) vegetarianism (felt ok, but didn't lose a thing)
5) The only eat an apple a day diet (ok I invented this one as a teenager. It worked until I passed out one day at school, and everyone found out I'd been starving myself)
6) The No Sugar, eat every 2 hours diet (weight exploded! "Oh, my meals were meant to be THAT small...")
7) The oranges-only diet (VERY similar to the 'eat an apple a day diet'. Mouth ulcers and BAD acne breakouts)
8) The raw food diet ("I'm STARVING! Dont stand too close or I'll gnaw your arm off!")
9) The "To-hell-with-it" diet. (Ate anything I wanted. Which was basically anything that wasn't tied down. Put on 20 kg)
10) The "To-hell-with-it" diet - mark 2. (Tried to eat nothing all day, and log onto pro-ana websites for 'Thinsperation'. Realising I didn't even have to willpower to hate myself that much, made me hate myself.)

So, conclusion: Diets don't work. I dont know what does, but if I find out, I'll let you know, ok?

The incredible shrinking woman!

Ok, so something happened today that I really can't explain. I mean I can, but not really. First of all, I have been drinking these shakes called Celebrity Slim for lunch instead of a sandwich or whatever.

Let me just state here for the record, that I am TOTALLY sceptical that these meal replacement shakes work. I mean, really? And even though I probably do need to shed a few kilos, this is not the main reason that I have been taking these shakes for lunch.

The main reason is, Couch-ites, that I'm just incredibly lazy and cant be bothered making myself a decent lunch. And hey - I'm a teacher: So it's like "What lunch-break?". I never have time to sit down to a proper lunch, so I thought, these are yummy, and you just add water, and at least I wont be hungry. And I just take a yoghurt and some fruit to snack on.

BUT. Here's the thing: Today I put on this vest I wear riding my horse, and it's usually a bit snug, but it's thick, so... whatever. And today...

ZIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP!

The zip slid straight up, and it was - get this - ROOMY! Um, what the...? I actually took the vest off, shook it in puzzlement, and put it back on, just to make sure! Sure enough: ZIP!

I might be onto something here - and I'm not even having the shakes twice a day like it recommends! I'll let you know how it goes...