Calling in reinforcements.

So in the absence of any former success (long-term) in the weightloss department, I've decided to opt for the last resort. The only thing I know of that I haven't tried. I'm calling for back-up:

I'm getting a shrink.

Well, I've asked my doctor for a referral letter anyway. Dr K is an absolute legend, and has helped me manage my depression thus far, but I need to get over this last hurdle; how to deal with things without turning to my crutch of choice: Chocolate.

Now; I know it might shock you, Dear Readers, but this will be my first visit to a psychologist. I am packing it. I'm gonna have to actually tell someone the TRUTH about my relationship with food. My relationship with my Dad? My relationship with myself? Oh god... I don't know if i can do this! I mean, I know I dont want to be a "fat bride" in January, but maybe if I just keep burying my head in the sand and pretending to do weight watchers when eveyone is looking but actually eating about 10000 calories a day, you know, the way I've been doing for the past 10 years, maybe... this time I'll magically lose 20kg...? No...?

Ok. Maybe not.

The problem is: I am depressed. And I live a VERY full-on stressful lifestyle. My days consist of running between teaching children, riding horses, going to theatre meetings, doing theatre, trying to be a runner, and sharing myself between my family, my partner's family, 2 dogs, 2 horses, a canary and 5 fish. Conversations in my head usually go like this:

Me: I need chocolate.

Myself: why?

Me: Cause I want it.

Myself: You're freakin' 20kgs overweight! You dont need chocolate, you just ate an hour ago, and it's not going to help you lose weight - which will ultimately make you more unhappy!

Me: ...shut up brain.

Myself: Come on... if you dont have chocolate...um... you can have a ...a... delicious... carrot.

Me: Pfft, how often has that line worked?

Myself: Ok ok, how bout this. You could go for a walk! That would make you feel better!!!

Me: Are you kidding me? that's the best you can do? I want chocolate - sweet sweet snuggle up on the couch-better-than-sex chocolate, and you suggest exercise??? The thing I hate most? we've talked about this: Exercise endorphins are a myth.

Myself: Hmm.

Me: AND if I eat this chocolate, I may put on 4kg in a week, and feel more depressed later, but for NOW (and that's all I really care about) I can just sit down and do something nice like eating chocolate and not think about all the other things I have to do today.

Myself: ...but...

Me: Are you still here? Shut the hell up.


It's a pointless conversation. Followed by one that goes like this:


Me: Ohhhh why did I eat that whole block???

Myself: ...*ahem*

Me: Yes I know I KNOW! I shouldn't have done it! It was like a thousand points on weight watchers, and I'll never work that off. It tasted good for about 2 bites, then I just couldn't stop! I didn't want to go do washing or walk on the treadmill, so I sat and ate the rest. I am SO hopeless. No wonder I'm so fat. I'm gonna get so big, I'll be one of those horror-story people who get so fat they cant get out of their custom-built arm chairs and need to be sponge-bathed and pee through a tube... Why cant I diet??? Why dont I love salad and exercise??? Why cant I be one of those people who doesn't really care for chocolate? (freaks.)

Myself: ... well if you'd listened before...

Me: Are you still here? Shut the hell up.


*sigh* I'm going to be fat forever.