I have what now?

ok... big day. Went to see Dr K about my depression, and the recent 'downers' I've ben having. Was explaining my symptoms and how I was good for a bit, then I dipped, then I was ok, then i dipped again. And he says "I think we may have been treating your depression, but I think you may be bipolar"

Wtf?

Isn't that what crazy people have?

Hmm. Have been hunting about on the net looking for info, and came to a scary list of symptoms:

"Five or more of these symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period (depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure must be one of the symptoms):
Depressed mood (feeling sad or empty or appears tearful)
Noticeable loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities
Significant change in body weight or appetite (more or less)
Insomnia or excessive sleep
Mental or physical slowing or restlessness
Low energy
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Reduced ability to concentrate
Recurrent thoughts of death, thoughts or attempts at suicide "

Hmm. Five, you say??? Well I can tick ALL of these.

On the Bipolar Australian website, it also lists the symptoms of Mania, which is the "highs" bipolar sufferers get. I don't get the "highs" (Ripped-off!!!), but Dr K says there's types of bipolar where you dont. Some people just have little "highs" and GREAT BIG "lows".

Phew. This is all new to me. I mean, I've been suffering from depression for 8 years now, but bipolar disorder seems like a bigger deal. I wonder why that is? Maybe because the drugs I am going to try are epilepsy drugs. Epilepsy sounds scary too.

Any advice out there???

Calling in reinforcements.

So in the absence of any former success (long-term) in the weightloss department, I've decided to opt for the last resort. The only thing I know of that I haven't tried. I'm calling for back-up:

I'm getting a shrink.

Well, I've asked my doctor for a referral letter anyway. Dr K is an absolute legend, and has helped me manage my depression thus far, but I need to get over this last hurdle; how to deal with things without turning to my crutch of choice: Chocolate.

Now; I know it might shock you, Dear Readers, but this will be my first visit to a psychologist. I am packing it. I'm gonna have to actually tell someone the TRUTH about my relationship with food. My relationship with my Dad? My relationship with myself? Oh god... I don't know if i can do this! I mean, I know I dont want to be a "fat bride" in January, but maybe if I just keep burying my head in the sand and pretending to do weight watchers when eveyone is looking but actually eating about 10000 calories a day, you know, the way I've been doing for the past 10 years, maybe... this time I'll magically lose 20kg...? No...?

Ok. Maybe not.

The problem is: I am depressed. And I live a VERY full-on stressful lifestyle. My days consist of running between teaching children, riding horses, going to theatre meetings, doing theatre, trying to be a runner, and sharing myself between my family, my partner's family, 2 dogs, 2 horses, a canary and 5 fish. Conversations in my head usually go like this:

Me: I need chocolate.

Myself: why?

Me: Cause I want it.

Myself: You're freakin' 20kgs overweight! You dont need chocolate, you just ate an hour ago, and it's not going to help you lose weight - which will ultimately make you more unhappy!

Me: ...shut up brain.

Myself: Come on... if you dont have chocolate...um... you can have a ...a... delicious... carrot.

Me: Pfft, how often has that line worked?

Myself: Ok ok, how bout this. You could go for a walk! That would make you feel better!!!

Me: Are you kidding me? that's the best you can do? I want chocolate - sweet sweet snuggle up on the couch-better-than-sex chocolate, and you suggest exercise??? The thing I hate most? we've talked about this: Exercise endorphins are a myth.

Myself: Hmm.

Me: AND if I eat this chocolate, I may put on 4kg in a week, and feel more depressed later, but for NOW (and that's all I really care about) I can just sit down and do something nice like eating chocolate and not think about all the other things I have to do today.

Myself: ...but...

Me: Are you still here? Shut the hell up.


It's a pointless conversation. Followed by one that goes like this:


Me: Ohhhh why did I eat that whole block???

Myself: ...*ahem*

Me: Yes I know I KNOW! I shouldn't have done it! It was like a thousand points on weight watchers, and I'll never work that off. It tasted good for about 2 bites, then I just couldn't stop! I didn't want to go do washing or walk on the treadmill, so I sat and ate the rest. I am SO hopeless. No wonder I'm so fat. I'm gonna get so big, I'll be one of those horror-story people who get so fat they cant get out of their custom-built arm chairs and need to be sponge-bathed and pee through a tube... Why cant I diet??? Why dont I love salad and exercise??? Why cant I be one of those people who doesn't really care for chocolate? (freaks.)

Myself: ... well if you'd listened before...

Me: Are you still here? Shut the hell up.


*sigh* I'm going to be fat forever.

You know you're depressed when... 1#

I hate the olympics.

I hate the olympics because I hate olympians. Well I don't hate olympians personally (excepting the entire male 100m sprint contingent, or any relay athlete coming from the USA...)

No I hate the olympics because every 4 years they come around just to remind me how depressed I really am. And that again, 4 years later, I am watching the olympics depressed. Another 4 years battling the black dog.

I hate olympians because everytime I see some waif-like 19 year old weeping ecstatically about breaking a world record, everytime I watch a 14 year old chinese girl do a somerault on a 10cm wide beam like it's normal, everytime I hear another olympic success story: I am reminded that that will never be me.

Even if I started now; I will never be that happy, or proud, or successful, or athletic. I am too old, too fat, too average, and far far too unhappy.

How dare they flaunt their happiness and pride at me?!

You seriously think that's fun for me?! You seriously think I'm happy for you??? Why don't ya just rub some salt in my wounds and pour lemon juice on 'em?!

I hate the olympics. Thank god they're over for another 4 years.